The Light in Music

It has been quite a while since I have written about my prep for the 20k. I think my lack of writing, shows where I have been with my workouts recently. Over the past month I have been hit or miss and not really dedicated to getting my walks in. I know that this is just another kink in my path, but I also think I need to pay attention to why I am not moving forward the way I would like to be. If I had to tell you what the issue is I would say that I am afraid. I am afraid that I will not finish the race. When I think of being afraid to complete a 12.4 mile race, compared to other things I have faced in my life, it sounds silly. I am just afraid that I will start this challenge and then learn I am not the person I thought I was. So I asked myself today, "What if you get to the Dam to Dam in 4 weeks and are not able to complete it what happens then?" My response is that I will keep trying until I do finish.

The funny thing about writing this blog for me is I start with a question and before I am done, I find the answer. I guess that the beauty of writing. My question today was: “Why I am not motivated?” The answer to my question came from the most unlikely source...Bon Jovi. So to give some background, I was watching a TV program the other day and there was this quote about falling down nine times and getting up ten. I wanted to find that quote because I thought it would be perfect for my blog, but instead I was lead to a page of quotes by Bon Jovi and there was my answer just as clear as day “Believe in love. Believe in magic. Hell, believe in Santa Clause. Believe in others. Believe in yourself. Believe in your dreams. If you don't, who will?”—Bon Jovi. I want more than anything else right now to cross that finish line on June 5th. So I have to stop making excuses and prepare myself mentally for this race and above all believe that I can do it.

On Another Note. On my work out playlist I have Lil Wayne, Jay-z and Eminem. I listen to the passion in their music to get me motivated but hidden in that playlist are these beautifully written ballads from Amos Lee. One day when doing my first outside walk/run I was listening to the usually suspects then “Careless” by Amos came on and in that moment I decided to run. I will never forget it, I was listening to this story about friends, deception and love and I wanted to move and do more. Throughout my training I hide Amos Lee songs in my playlist and say when I hear one of his songs I will run. I wish I could explain what it is that I feel when I am running and listening to music. My senses are clear and I hear the music fully. Two weeks ago yesterday I got to see Amos Lee in concert. I was so excited. I had been waiting for two and a half years to see him in concert and I was finally going to hear him live. The moment I hear his voice I was transported to my walking route. My head was clear, my senses fully engage and I enjoyed every minute of that show living in the moment. After the show I had the opportunity to meet Amos and tell him about the connection that I feel to his music. Thinking of overcoming this fear that I have, I can sum up that connection in a verse from "Long Line of Pain" by none other than Amos himself:

"I get the sense that I might lose it, but thank God tonight for the light I found in music."

Music for me has marked transitions in my life. Mary J Blige songs have inspired through challenging times. "One" and "Show Love" gave me hope through some rough situations after hurricane Katrina. So when I was making this life change, I thought for sure it would be Mary's words that motivated to run, instead it was Amos'. Lesson learned from music is you never know where you will find inspiration, or gentle heartfelt words encouraging you to run on.

I do it for me!

It has been a while since I have written. When I committed to myself to write this blog I said that I would write during the good times and the rough times. The thing is that it is easier to write in the good times than it is to report that I am having a hard time with my workout. The purpose of blogging about my workout is to be able to express my frustrations and receive support, but it is always so hard to admit to myself that I am struggling. On Saturday I did a 4 mile walk and even ran a bit (and I don’t run for anybody). On Sunday I did an amazing 8+ mile. So here is my issue: I got 8 down and 4 more to go. I was under this mistaken impression that 8 miles would be easy, it’s not. I have a lot of fears that I am working through now and at the top of the list is what if I can’t complete the 20k, what if I am physically not capable. I have 9 weeks and two days left to continue to prepare myself. My mind gets the best of me. This perception that because I don’t look like most other people I see walking or running, makes me feel less worthy to be out and moving. I know, this thought process seems stupid, but that’s what happens when concerns about body image get the best of you. I was confronted with this flaw in my thought process during my personal training session on Monday. My trainer had me doing jumps, and all I could think to myself was what does it look like to everyone around me that I am jumping. What does it look like?

Alas, through writing I have come to a resolution. As I was writing I went back and read what I had written. I reread the statement. “I don’t run for anybody.” I thought to myself, “that’s a lie, I run for me. I run/walk for me.” So lesson learned for today: What does it look like that I am walking, jumping, running? Who cares what it looks like to you, I walk, jump, run for me.

My new favorite song for my workout is Pick the World Up by Lil Wayne.

"all the bullshit, it made me strong, mu’f*cka
So I pick the world up and I’ma drop it on your f*ckin’ head

I-I walk up in the world and cut the lights off
And confidence is the stain they can’t wipe off
Huh, my word is my pride
But wisdom is bleak, and that’s a word from the wise
Served to survive, murdered and bribed
And when it got too heavy I put my burdens aside
So I could pick the world up and I’ma drop it on your f*ckin’ head"

For me this song represents the struggles I have overcome in my life. So when it comes to training for the Dam to Dam and overcoming obstacles in my life, I am going to surprise everybody with what I am capable of accomplishing. What I now understand is that the only person I have to prove my worth to is me.

The Princess and the Social Pea

When I was a child, I was a fan of all the fairy tales. I remember seeing Cinderella in the theater and for one Halloween I dressed as Snow White (the Snow White story is one that I will save for another blog). These days as someone who teaches classes on social justice issues, I recognize the marginalization of women that often occur in these stories. So, now as an adult I try to think, what was it about those stories that appealed to me? Looking for the answer to that question, I turn to my favorite story of all time, the Princess and the Pea. If you don’t know the story, it is about a Prince who was looking for a real Princess to marry, but could never find what it was that he was looking for. Then one day a woman came to his castle claiming to be a real Princess. Because of the storm she didn’t at all look like a Princess, but the Queen and the King allowed the Princess to stay in their home. The Queen put a small pea under lots of mattress, believing that if this woman was indeed the real Princess she would feel the pea through the many mattresses.

I don’t know how old I was when I came across this story, but I remember that my mom and I would go to the downtown library every now and then. I remember being face to face with this book and thinking to myself that I was a real princess, but no one could really see me for what I was. I started thinking of fairy tales tonight for two reasons. One a song that really gets me moving on my playlist is “The New Workout Plan” by Kanye West. The other reason why I thought of fairy tales was because of a movie I saw recently about a woman and her friends who made a weight loss pact. The story had Cinderella themes, which provoked a lot of thought for me.

I heard "The New Workout Plan" during my cardio workout this morning and though my legs where feeling the pain from my strength workout earlier today, I kept going. Pushing myself and being inspired by Kanye, I always laugh when I hear that song because of the following verse:

That's right put in work,
move your ass, go berserk,
Eat your salad, no dessert
Get that man you deserve

Kanye’s words brings me to yet another kink that I need to work out. That kink is my own personal belief that I need to be thin to have a vibrant social/dating life. For me, that thought only perpetuates the belief that being thin equals being beautiful. Here is what I am learning for myself: no one else in the world has to know that I am a princess; I just need to believe that I am. Now I know that the word princess has so many connotations, but here is what it means to me. A princess is a beautiful woman, who well admired and respected by those around her. A princess is surrounded by love and beauty. She is confident and knows what she has to offer the world. If I really look at myself, I will see what I knew as a child, that I am special and wonderful, like the princesses I admired back then. I already have all the love I need in my life, whether that love shown in relationships with my friends and family, but more importantly, I have to experience that love and acceptance for myself. Though on the outside, I may not look like what society has come to know as beautiful, special and talented, I know who I am. I will also add that remembering this love and acceptance is a daily process for me. It can get very hard to be confident in the woman that I am, when I receive social messages that may cause me to question my self-worth.

So I will continue to be inspired by the energy in Kanye’s workout plan, but I will also know for myself that if I need to be thin to grab someone’s attention that’s not the attention I want. So today’s lesson: get fit for me. Love me and all that I am, but strive to be better in every way.

The 8 Miles

Its been almost a year since I have started working out with a personal trainer. In October of 2009, I made an agreement with my trainer, saying that I would walk/run a 20k in Des Moines in June. In all of my training I have worked so very hard. I have my days where I don't want to go to the gym or I would rather sit on my bottom than walk for two hours. When I have those days there are two things that keep me going, music and the thought of how good it is going to feel to cross the finish line.

For the past two weeks when I complete my long walk, I end at 7 miles. Mentally, I want so badly to make it to 8 miles. But, I am also afraid that once I hit the 8th mile there are just 4.4 miles to go. At mile 8 my dream of completing the 20k is just 4.4 miles away. In just 4.4 more miles I can do something that I once thought I could never do.

In all this talk about 8 miles, I bet you can guess what song keeps me going on my music player. Yep, you guessed it, "Lose Yourself” by Eminem. With music and my dream of crossing the finish line, I lose myself in my walk. That time on the treadmill is about me. Not about me getting fit for some external reason, but me checking in with myself. Thinking about my body, and how to push myself without pushing too hard. How do I accomplish everything that I am capable of in this hour or two hour walk? I am still learning about my body and what I can do, but I know this: training for this 20k is about me working out the kinks in my own mind (and body) before that big day.

What are those kinks? One kink is that voice in the back of my head telling me that I will never make it. Also the personal belief that because my body looks differently than many of the people I see working out, that I don’t deserve to have my spot on the treadmill or track. Whatever I might tell myself that might keep me from completing this event, I have exactly 12 weeks and two days to overcome or manage it. Working out these kinks is why I decided to write this blog. Completing the 20k will be a milestone for me, but training and writing is a part of remembering the journey.