I do it for me!

It has been a while since I have written. When I committed to myself to write this blog I said that I would write during the good times and the rough times. The thing is that it is easier to write in the good times than it is to report that I am having a hard time with my workout. The purpose of blogging about my workout is to be able to express my frustrations and receive support, but it is always so hard to admit to myself that I am struggling. On Saturday I did a 4 mile walk and even ran a bit (and I don’t run for anybody). On Sunday I did an amazing 8+ mile. So here is my issue: I got 8 down and 4 more to go. I was under this mistaken impression that 8 miles would be easy, it’s not. I have a lot of fears that I am working through now and at the top of the list is what if I can’t complete the 20k, what if I am physically not capable. I have 9 weeks and two days left to continue to prepare myself. My mind gets the best of me. This perception that because I don’t look like most other people I see walking or running, makes me feel less worthy to be out and moving. I know, this thought process seems stupid, but that’s what happens when concerns about body image get the best of you. I was confronted with this flaw in my thought process during my personal training session on Monday. My trainer had me doing jumps, and all I could think to myself was what does it look like to everyone around me that I am jumping. What does it look like?

Alas, through writing I have come to a resolution. As I was writing I went back and read what I had written. I reread the statement. “I don’t run for anybody.” I thought to myself, “that’s a lie, I run for me. I run/walk for me.” So lesson learned for today: What does it look like that I am walking, jumping, running? Who cares what it looks like to you, I walk, jump, run for me.

My new favorite song for my workout is Pick the World Up by Lil Wayne.

"all the bullshit, it made me strong, mu’f*cka
So I pick the world up and I’ma drop it on your f*ckin’ head

I-I walk up in the world and cut the lights off
And confidence is the stain they can’t wipe off
Huh, my word is my pride
But wisdom is bleak, and that’s a word from the wise
Served to survive, murdered and bribed
And when it got too heavy I put my burdens aside
So I could pick the world up and I’ma drop it on your f*ckin’ head"

For me this song represents the struggles I have overcome in my life. So when it comes to training for the Dam to Dam and overcoming obstacles in my life, I am going to surprise everybody with what I am capable of accomplishing. What I now understand is that the only person I have to prove my worth to is me.